I have two more days before I will take disability leave off. I will be out of work for about 6 week, longer if my doctor suggests it.

I am having mixed feelings about not working. I do have a web based business so I will be doing that in moderation, but I will also sleep in until 9 or 10, hobbies, such as sewing, music (piano) and other low-stress activities.

Because I know I will have a good time, I feel guilty. At 30, I should be working my a** off so that I can take care of my basic and not so basic needs, create a business for myself, work at a job to keep my skill level up, and hopefully retire. For some reason, even though I feel dead at the end of most days and have a hard time walking at work sometimes, I should just power through it. Has anyone else been faced with these thoughts and feelings? How do you deal?

After I was diagnosed in 1981 (anniversary is tomorrow),I continued working. It did get harder and harder--I was older (36) than you--had 4 kids under 10, great husband who travelled, and I was so stubborn! Back then, of course, MS was the "new kid on the block" and the requirements were harsher because no one knew what they were dealing with. I didn't apply until I was 5-6 years into dx. I worked at home as much as possible so commuting wasn't so bad but still and all, I was working for someone. But, when I couldn't walk, couldn't speak very well (much stumbling over words),was close to a breakdown because this shouldn't be happening to me! I had so many plans--but, applied in 1990, I think--was turned down because MS was an orphan disease. So, I continued to work--and had to leave for good when my work skills weren't up to par or even close. Of course the attorney made the case drag on and on because he would be paid more the longer the case wasn't settled--so, long story short, finally received it--yes, guilt becomes a part of you as you go through the process but then, stop and think, I didn't ask for this, I'm a hard worker, always have been, but I need to focus any energy that I have on this **** disease. And that's that! My brother (younger) said to me that I could have all of his social security as long as it would help me and until there was a cure. He has no plans of retiring and doesn't begrudge me any thing that I get from the government. It is not welfare--it is until there is a cure for ms that you need this to get by. No one can tell you that you don't deserve it, Carla, because if they know you, they know you have fought long and hard and used up yourself so now, apply, and try to get some of yourself back. Focus on yourself only--you're worth it!